Ask Professor Lexicon

To help put the civil back in litigation, we offer the purest nonsense available. No opinion expressed by the professor should be taken on its own merits. Proceed at your own risk. Asklegal.com bears no responsiblity for the repair of equipment and results are not warrantied. May cause dizziness or stroke. Discontinue if you feel nausea, headache or cramps. Use only as directed. Ask your doctor. He'll tell you he hates lawyers. Then ask him who he keeps on retainer. All examples stated are true, or, if not true, are true to life. Alll semantic distinctions are expressed or implied. In the interest of safety, do not sit on a three legged chair. All copyrights apply. Reader contributions are appreciated. Illegitimi non carborundum.

Q. What is mergers and acquisitions?

A. This is another term for family law, which also includes such nuptials as lifting the corporate veil and hostile takeovers, all supervised by the NRC.

Q. What was Spitzer's last act in office as governor of the state of New York?

A. Issue a gag order against the Emporer Club.

Q. What is meant by the term respondeat superior?

A. This is Latin for i-phone.

Q. What are the Robert's Rules of Order?

A.. The special take-out menu the bailiff gives to juries during deliberations.

Q What is the difference between a lease and a release?

A. One is when you pay the rentman and the other is when the rentman pays you.

Q. What does res ipsa mean?

A. This term was first used to describe what happened when a runner tripped and fell during the Boston Marathon.

Q. Do lawyers have fun?

A. No, because it is not permitted by the UCC, the Code of Ethics and/or Judges 54:3. Their paralegals, on the other hand, have a blast, although not allowed to bill at the same rate. Note: if a firm develops an excess of levity, it must hire a person known as a Contract Attorney, who may experience amusement by proxy.

Q. Can I ax a question?

A. Irregardless, you can.

Q. Can you explain the rule against perpetuities?

A. Sure. This is the common law of papal succession.

Q. What is hearsay?

A. Someone once told me what it was, but he's not here.

Q. Will you define the right of survivorship?

A. This involves winning the mate, the title alpha male, and leaving the island carrying a boatload of cash.

Q. What is constructive possession?

A. This is when you hire a contractor to remodel your kitchen and he comes and goes for eight months until it's almost completed.

Q. Is that the same as adverse possession?

A. Not quite. That's when you hire the contractor and he totally guts your kitchen, removing all the appliances, takes all your money and then disappears so fast not even the attorney general can locate him.

Q. What do court reporters do?

A. Can you repeat the question?

Q. My dog wants to give a durable power of attorney with health care directive to my cat. Is that okay?

A. Absolutely. Just be sure to remind your catepillar he promised me his bong before he goes.

Q. What is the difference between a dentist and Homeland Security?

A. Nothing. Both like cavity searches and leave you feeling broke and foolish.

Q. What does it mean when it says, "he died without issue."

A. Everyone liked him.

Q. Can you give an example to define consortium?

"Q. Roughly how often did you have relations with your spouse prior to the accident?"
"A. Oh, we don't do it roughly no more."

Q. If the Constitution requires the separation of church and state, why is Christmas considered a national holiday?

A. Only a workaholic would ask such a dumb question.
Q. Does the British Barrister wear the powdered wig or the Solicitor?

A. Who cares? It's enough they gave us men's skirts, Boodles, wacking around a little dimpled white ball
vewy vewy quietly in order to earn the LOWEST score, and, last but not least, heckling.
Q. Where is the carpal tunnel?

A. Between the Lincoln and the Holland, now under construction for car pools only.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. This is known as environmental law, because they are handling one of those "green" bulbs, which require

the fire department, a hazmat crew, and Superfund when it shatters after you drop one.

Q. Are there any states which still impose capital punishment?

A. In Florida you can see them hanging chads.

Q. Can you define the area of trusts and estates?

A. Where there's a will, there's a way to break it.

Q. Do you know where I can find my keys?

A. Right where you left them.

Note from the editor:
We apologize for disparaging golf in the remarks above. Even though it cannot be considered a true sport,
we should not have cast aspersions on the recreation of senior citizens.

Q. What is the purpose of lawyers?

A. Lawyers are nothing short the guardians of civilization, preservers of the written word. The means of human interaction may change, and technologies may grow, but everyone always needs a contract. Much maligned by politicians, playwrights and disgruntled ex spouses who owe child support, lawyers are nevertheless the masters of the inter office memo, the registered missive and the motion in limine. Just ask a crackberry. You can have your sound and fury, your bells and whistles, your broadcasts and i tunes, but when the fax, the photocopier, the laser printer and the filing clerk all breathe their last, we are doomed.

Q. I have been subpoenaed for a deposition. Can you give me some pointers?

A. Avoid coffee or other diuretic beforehand. Say yellow Lamborghini ten times. Don't sit on the squeaky chair. Try not to stare at the stenographer's legs. Remember the taunt of my mean cousin Miranda: Everything you say to me comes back on you.

Q. What is precedent?

A. He is a/k/a P R O T U S, commander in chief, and the great decider (Black's, n., see doctrine of stare decisis).
For murderizing the English language he was given a mandatory four years in the big White House. His probation was revoked when his cell mate tried to finish off a mutual business associate with a double- barrelled shotgun, as a result of which he earned another four, with limitied visitation consisting mainly of Saudi princes and the ghost of Checkers.

Q. If postage rates keep going up, why do we have the "Forever" stamp?

A. That's a compound question. When you buy a stamp, you are really purchasing a service. Any first year contracts law professor will teach you this. If you fail to use the service within an unspecified period of time, the glue breaks down and you lose. This is because the post office, far from becoming obsolete in the modern age, must raise revenues in order to finance its growing ranks of disabled employees and the cost of experimental schizophrenia medication.

Q. What is R I C O ?

A. This is a well known company which joined forces with Mita to "take care of" your photocopy needs. If you suffer a "break down," they will send well-dressed repairmen across state lines who carry briefcases containing tools and empty cartridges. They will offer to "fix your problem." If they have to "order a part," they will tag your machine with a note saying, "Out of Order." This is usually a bad sign, since you will probably be prevented from receiving faxes for awhile. They wish to corner the market in the business. They will make you a sales pitch about "keeping your machine running when you need it." If you sign on, whatever you do, don't be late with your lease payment.

Q. What is the difference between truth and irony?

A. Bravo! You have, as our friend Borat would say, kicked the camel in the testicles. Truth is that je ne sais quoi, that sine qua non, the myth that surrounds such tales as the Garden of Eden, or the rumor that the Phillies will win another World Series. Irony, on the other hand, is the very stuff you will find in Professor's fractured definitions. It is like the conundrum contained in the following declaration: "Believe me, this statement is false." Which reminds us... Factchecker Alert! If at any time you locate a kernel of veracity or even a grain of verisimilitude in these paragraphs, you will receive our humblest and sincerest apologies plus you will be entered automatically into the annual International Rap You with a Gavel contest.